Another badly-formed, quickly-written and ultimately unfulfilling (fictional) story about Indonesian farmers. The picture is not one of a coffee leaf, but just a leaf I saw in a park. Looks authentic though. Anyway, onto the story: read it and weep.
Susilo Bambang had for many years been producing Javanese coffee in his small plantation on the Southern side of the mountain. His father had owned the land before him, but only had seemed to roast enough of the dark, bitter beans to scrape a living. Susilo had turned the farm around and his young family thrived. However, one day a new farmer moved into the smallholding vacated by another agriculutral family that had moved to the big city. His name was Suparman and he had no interest in coffee. The civets bred by Suparman were not too offensive, although they did not smell like perfume and often made unworldly screeching noises at night, but Susilo did not trust the new farmer from Sriwijaya. When he found two escaped civets in the coffee field decimating his crop, it was the last straw. Picking the scrawny beasts up by their necks he went directly to his neighbour, finding him tending to his many caged civets. "What are these doing in my fields?" Susilo demanded of Suparman, the civets dangling from his outstretched hands. Suparman looked perplexed. Then, suddenly, the tension broke as one of the dangling civets excreted a perfect pile of beans onto the ground below. They looked dirty but otherwise intact. Susilo looked at Suparman, who burst out laughing. The laughter turned into an idea, and the idea into massive profit. So was born Kopi Luwar, the most tasty defecated drink on the face of the Earth.
Right, I quite like writing then sending postcards. Also, I don't think it's a terrible idea to put them on here: I may as well "publish" something. As a result of the following text being copied directly from (often hastily-written) postcards, it has no paragraphs to speak of, is clumsily concise and contains some true "pre-edit" English work. However, it may still have some minor merits as a piece of fiction. Thus, enjoy:
He watched her pass by the cafe door, glance inside directly at him, stop and, with a fixed expression, walk in. She sat right in front of him, separated by a cup of strong, sweet tea and a plastic tomato. She looked at him, expectantly. "What happened to you?" She had curbed her voice so not to spit the words out. He looked at her blankly: he was feeling quite fragile after the previous night's excess. "Do I know you" he offered, wincing slightly from the effort. Her fixed expression slowly turned to one of incredulity, then something resembling outrage. "So that's how it is then?" She was no longer curbing. He looked at his tea, once again deciding against a sip, and wracked his sketchy memories. He squinted at her. This did not seem to help. "Well clearly I was wrong after all," she was just purely angry now, "I get up and you're already gone, and to the cafe over the road!" It was then he saw his twin pass the cafe door, glance inside directly at them, stop briefly, and walk briskly on.
Right, some time ago I spent approximately one weekend compiling my Top 100 songs (as within my sphere of understanding) of all time (then). Clearly that time has passed and, although some songs remain true, many others do not. I've therefore taken my previously-published (therefore legally mine) list and tweaked it... hard! I've also shoved in some other stuff I'd been keeping to one side for a while. However, although the songs may change haphazardly, I will begin the awesome countdown of awesomeness in the original self-aggrandising pseudo-promotional fashion:
Take this everyone who isn't me! 100. Dead Prez & WTF?! - It's Bigger Than Hip Hop (2:35) 99. The Automatic - Raoul (3:53) 98. Billy Joel - We Didn't Start The Fire (4:48) 97. The Police – King of Pain (4:57) 96. The White Stripes - My Doorbell (4:01) 95. Bob Marley & The Wailers - No Woman No Cry (4:04) 94. Pulp - Sunrise (6:02) 93. The National - Lit Up (2:55) 92. Jamiroquai - Just Another Story (8:49) 91. The Blues Brothers - Sweet Home Chicago (7:51) The top 10 are fairly eclectic. Starting off with the bass-filled bastardisation of Dead Prez's el classico. Yeah that's right, my top 100 has been dragged into the twenty-tens by its iPod v4. I enjoy that The Automatic constantly remind me that, after the media titillation of North-Eastern English slaughter, we can all simply return to our places of employment and largely forget about man's inhumanity to man. I don't think any list of the world's greatest music would be complete without Billy Joel's nonsense classic, or "not Stalingrad" as I like to call it. A few epics in there too, but that's why they're between 91 and 100: Sweet Home Chicago is probably 6 minutes longer than it needs to be but as a plot development device gains kudos, Just Another Story has a wonderful "nobody make a fucking move" moment, and Sunrise just sounds brilliantly euphoric towards the end. For the record: I got rid of the Smiths, because (a) they're awful, (b) Morrissey is awful, (c) they're probably the worst musical thing to originate in Manchester (which is sickeningly impressive), and (d) those songs which are not purely awful are murdered by Morrissey and The Smiths. I can remember the first time I heard My Doorbell... continuing... 90. Saïan Supa Crew - Abecedaire Des Cons (3:55) 89. Cinerama - Quick, Before It Melts (Extended Version) (5:02) 88. Woodpigeon - Piano Pieces for Adult Beginners (3:34) 87. Ray Charles - I've Got a Woman (2:54) 86. Fleetwood Mac - The Chain (4:29) 85. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On (3:50) 84. The 45 King - The 900 Number (3:05) 83. MIA - Paper Planes 82. Saloon - There is a Light that Never Goes Out (4:44) 81. Japandroids - Wet Hair (3:14) I would not effectively finish such a music-judging endeavour without including some French rap, and Abecedaire Des Cons narrowly ousts Hold Up as the Saïan tune of choice. I have included the Woodpigeon song, 'cause it's fun. I believe in fun.Even if you think you don’t know the 900 number, you know the 900 number. It's like the roux to a delicious rap béchamel sauce, in that it acts as the base for so many songs. It’s also addictive, like online Mah Jongg, or crack. The strange thing is that, although it’s essentially a drum and trumpet loop, it doesn’t get boring and you’re inevitably disappointed when it suddenly, and rather unceremoniously, comes to an end. Perhaps that’s why it generally forms part of another song. Perhaps that’s why we can’t go to a restaurant and just order a bowl of roux. We’d just be full of wheat flour, drums, trumpets and fat. That aside, the song remains in the list.Talking about evolution, I enjoy MIA's general improvement on an otherwise-forgettable Clash song. It's like when Dizzee Rascal teamed up with Lily Allen, took a song from a children's musical and essentially sold out... but good. Another song which is better for someone else doing it is the (now defunct) Saloon version of "There is a Light...", as the terrible original "band" wrote it then murdered it (as now fully discussed above). Further notice must be made of the Layla-style breakdown at the end of Quick, Before It Melts, and how good Wet Hair is live, despite the band being rather underpopulated. Good songs. Good times. Onwards... 80. Low - Cue The Strings (3:30)
79. Commodores - Nightshift (4:20) 78. The Sugarhill Gang - Rapper's Delight (7:05) 77. Norman Blake - Man Of Constant Sorrow (4:29) 76. Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street (6:29) 75. Sum 41 - Still Waiting (2:38) 74. U2 - Who's Gonna RIDE Your WILD HORSES (5:16) 73. Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit (2:33) 72. Wu Tang Clan - I Can't Go To Sleep (Feat Isaac Hayes) (3:35) 71. Weezer - Surf Wax America (3:06) Couple of good film soundtrack hits there. The instrumental guitar wonderfulness from Oh, Brother Where Art Thou! at number 77 and White Rabbit from Platoon (genius psychadelic Alice in Wonderland freak out fun abounds). As with so many Motown songs, Nightshift just makes me feel good. Some Sum41 there too, as they are awesome, actually could've picked loads more of their songs, and haven't picked any Green Day at all in this list (controversial, or just narrow-minded, I'm not sure.) I liked Isaac Hayes before he became a Scientologist, or something....
I’m sure hundreds of millions of saxophones have been sold on the back of Baker Street, especially since every busker with a bendy trumpet seems to play it incessantly. However, general overplaying aside, the best thing about the hook is it has an almost redemptive quality, drawing on the low-key, and possibly downbeat, lyrics before suggesting a more carefree and meaningful future. Gerry Rafferty is saying that life is “like... whatever” but fuck it, listen to my loud saxophone! As a result, it’s pretty uplifting and arousing, like a musical wonderbra. And that’s pretty cool.
I quite like Weezer, but find it hard to come up with a stand-out track of choice. I like the idea of being called Jonas, being a farmer and not an Argentinian footballer, but may be dragging up old Guitar Hero successes rather than genuine musical appreciation. Now let's take it to the bridge... 70. Tori Amos - Professional Widow (4:32) 69. DJ Danger Mouse (Jay-Z & The Beatles) - 99 Problems (4:06) 68. Владимир Высоцкий - Кони привередливые (5:40)
67. Kate Rusby - The Cobbler's Daughter (2:39) 66. Nirvana - The Man Who Sold The World (4:21) 65. Arcade Fire - Keep The Car Running (3:29) 64. Mos Def - Got (3:29) 63. David Bowie - Life On Mars (3:52) 62. Cranberries - Ode to My Family (4:30) 61. Counting Crows - Mr. Jones (4:32) If you like Folk vignettes about unnecessary murder, you'll like Kate Rusby's ditty. I think this section is fairly self-explanatory containing, as it does, a few staples (Bowie, Crows) with some twists (Nirvana's live Bowie cover, and the DJ Dangermouse badboy, do you like... bass?) I also particularly like Vladimir Vysotsky's "Koni Privyeredlivye" which is about a horse and is the theme to some pretty impressive/angry/sad dancing in the film "White Nights." Tori Amos' gibberish tune could've been a lot higher in the list, but it's not. Up, up and away... 60. Squirrel Nut Zippers - Ghost of Stephen Foster (3:32) 59. Dizzee Rascal - Sirens (3:44) 58. Otis Redding - Hard To Handle (2:20) 57. Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun (2:24) 56. Arcade Fire - No Cars Go (5:43) 55. Regina Spektor - Ode to Divorce (3:43) 54. Half Man Half Biscuit - For What is Chatteris... (2:05) 53. Radiohead - Just (3:52) 52. U2 - Bad (6:11) 51. James Brown - (Call Me) Super Bad (4:16) Look everyone, Radiohead! Too far down the list for Just, I hear you think (I do, I'm psychic, or Psyduck, one or the other). Sirens gets in 'cause, despite its antisocial message, the volume of the vocal track is varied towards the end, LIKE A SIREN! It's cool. Half Man Half Biscuit's pure whimsy earns them a top 60 place: there is a place called Chatteris, 'nough said. Arcade Fire pretty much infuse this list like a delicious caramel vein.
Regina Spektor's voice, music and general person are all pretty beautiful. I like Ode to Divorce. It's painfully lovely. Actually, practically any of her songs could go into this top 100, but I've tried to be restrained as I often listen to one repeatedly for a time, before moving onto another one.
James Brown tops this particular section through being very cool and making painfully high-pitched noises. Sometimes he feels so nice, he actually wants to kiss himself. Seriously. It also brings back excellent memories of Dusseldorf, "ripping up" a wicked bar, and subsequently being unable to speak at audible volumes for three days.
Here, and in classic soap-opera end of episode style, I'm going to stop. The second (more-important and, perhaps, more-thoughtfully chosen) part of the top 100 is yet to come. I'm very excited, like I was listening to the beginning of Luck & Neat's "Little Bit of Luck" before the beat kicked in, in Bon Bonnes, in the 1990s, and I was smashed off my face on alcopops, and I didn't know any better, and I was already pretty excited...
A Bientot
I think my favourite thing about competitive sports is that I'm driven to support my national team, despite not liking any of them very much. The only reason I'm really watching today's friendly is because there are actually Arsenal players involved (real, live, English footballers). However, as some of the England players are actually quite new to the squad, they haven't had as much media attention: this means they haven't yet assaulted anyone, slept with a teammate's bimbo girlfriend (or a very old prostitute) or repeatedly disappointed an entire nation in a high-profile way. These "unknowns," or players we don't recognise as completely worthless, are fun to watch. They have their whole careers in front of them (except Bobby Zamora, whose name I like to say to the tune of "have a banana," if that phrase does indeed have its own jingle) and inevitably turn the game/fickle supporters around.Obviously any disparagement is not directed at the Arsenal players involved, as they are all nice boys who love their respective Mothers and seemingly spend most of their careers at Arsenal visiting a number of charities and disenfranchised youths as part of Arsene's endless community projects. This commitment to social responsibilities above playing football has in no way reduced the available capacity of our silverware cabinets, but has led to some truly excellent photos of extremely rich footballers (a class of individuals typically known for vanity aligned with awful taste) wearing shark outfits in public places. I wonder how many professional footballers can have an honest conversation with a club mascot about what it's like to wear a large owl suit. Not too many I'd imagine.Anyway, the England game is drawing to a close and no-one has learnt anything. Everyone still loves Steven Gerrard, despite his being... well... Steven Gerrard, because he scored a couple of goals in a nothing pre-season match which will inevitably cause some sort of footballing "hangover" for all the Arsenal players involved when the truly important business of the Premier League begins at the weekend. Anyway, I only really started this post to take my mind off the disappointment that is international football, whether we win, lose or draw. If only we could collectively find something more interesting to do. Perhaps manufacturing some sort of plague of frogs to frighten the spiritual, or generally subjugating the weak... anything really.
