Top 100 - Don't Count On Me

Wow! This is the beginning of the top 30 and, although we're dealing with tiny qualitative differences (much like when grading and certifying diamonds from Sierra Leone (song not included, for obvious reasons: badness)) at this stage, the songs are just getting better, man (band not included for obvious reasons: badness). I cannot wait for you to revel in the aural goodness emanating from the following lines of cold, hard, factual information.

30. Radiohead - Myxamatosis (3:57)
29. The White Stripes - Fell In Love With A Girl (1:48)
28. De La Soul - Eye Know (4:13)
27. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry (2:42)
26. Rilo Kiley - Portions For Foxes (4:45)
25. Pulp - Do You Remember The First Time? (4:22)
24. Sum 41 - Fat Lip (3:00)
23. Dire Straits - Romeo And Juliet (6:05)
22. The Who - 5.15 (Single version) (4:16)
21. Iron Maiden - The Number Of The Beast (4:48)

Yes, Myxamatosis is a better song than Just, if only because it includes an oblique reference to a song from the "Parallel Universe" epsiode of Red Dwarf as sung by Danny John Jules. Get used to it. Radiohead are awesome though, and mostly uplifting. All hail Radiohead.

The White Stripes are good, raw and (like The Wedding Present) loved by John Peel. He seemed to know a bit about music. I don't think I'll ever get bored of Portions for Foxes, even though I once had a fox in my house. It was rubbish. It went upstairs.

Originally I thought that, in Boys Don't Cry, the title of the song and constant refrain, was some kind of self-effacing suggestion that deep, personally-unfathomable emotion existed behind the public facade of our singer/storyteller. Not so. He pretty much explains that he will say anything, lying where necessary, to achieve his relationship goals. It is unmistakeably pragmatism which directs his actions above any particular sensitivity, perhaps hinting at a reluctance, or even inability, to engage with the relevant party in the illogical, emotive manner that they require.

The song itself could be viewed as a further contrivance on his behalf to mitigate his heinous actions. Despite suggesting that he's "been too unkind," by creating the song, the singer contradicts his own assertions that "it's too late:" although he states that he has exceeded "limits" of the relationship, the song itself proposes reconciliation through its very existence. Indeed, should his musical request for forgiveness succeed, he will further his exploitation of the relationship within the boundaries, manipulating the "limits" to accommodate his own interests, however selfish.

Listing a plethora of actions he would undergo to retain his love interest intimates an amoral emotionless response to the immediate prospect of losing them. His message appears to be that boys don’t (really understand why it’s necessary to) cry, but will if it benefits them.

I'm not sure if I should try explaining all the other songs between 30 and 21. Surely it's obvious to the most cloth-eared simpleton that they appear on obvious merit. I will say however, that Romeo and Juliet is guitar twangery of the highest order, and that the way Mark Knopfler enunciates Ju-hu-li-hett is nothing short of genius. And no, I don't "know the movie song," but if it's half as good as this flawed love song, it'd get installed deep inside the Top 100, and of that I have no doubt (band not included for obvious reasons etc etc).

20. Roni Size - Brown Paper Bag (9:03)
19. Suzanne Vega - Marlene On The Wall (3:38)
18. Ray Charles - What'd I Say (Parts I & II) (6:26)
17. Ike & Tina Turner - Nutbush City Limits (5:29)
16. Ben Folds - Landed (4:28)
15. Richard Thompson - Beeswing (5:28)
14. Radiohead - 15 Steps (3:58)
13. Doors - Light My Fire (7:04)
12. The Boomtown Rats - I Don't Like Mondays (3:48)
11. Passengers - Miss Sarajevo (5:40)

We're now reaching the accepted moment in all notable countdowns where we forget the entries listed beforehand and begin to hype the Top 10 mercilessly, like they're the Gods of the list. But let's not forget those wonderful songs just outside of the magic circle (thus not protected against the evil eye, or something):

Brown Paper Bag is the longest song in the list, beating Jamiroquai by a full 14 seconds and it will always stay close to my heart having brought Miles "Do Your Little Dance" Dugmore to the cusp of beat-induced insanity in the Academy.

Suzanne Vega's inclusion proves that I'm in touch with my feminine side, but the complete absence of Elton "no sense of proportion" John indicates that I stop some way short of lycra-mix drainpipe jeans, plunging-neckline long-sleeved t-shirt and plimsole-pump-wearing, card-bearing, flag-waving, epidermis-moisturising metrosexuality. Also, "Marlene" narrowly (and somewhat aptly) beat "Luka" for the Suzanne Vega song of choice.

Speaking of which.... If you go out the very limits of the city (along highway 19 which is well known for being badly lit and rarely travelled due to other, more direct, routes to Nutbush’s principal neighbours), you’re unlikely to be caught as you mercilessly, and with some personal relish, beat your wife.

Richard Thompson is underused on this list, but is probably a hidden gem for most people. It's just good music. Quality lyrics. Beeswing (not a form of park playground furniture for Bees) is full of love, alcoholism, needless arguments and lifelong disappointment. It's lovely.

I Don't Like Mondays falls directly into the category of “Songs with Epic Piano Parts” (see also Barry Manilow – Could It Be Magic). It is a great song but, in being about an American high school tragedy, and making light of it, is probably a bit insensitive. However, if you are going to improve your own financial/social status through the tragedy of others, then taking a leaf out of Bob “Do You Know Who I Am? I’m Bob Geldof” Geldof’s book on profiteering is a good start. That aside, this song has almost as many reasons to recommend it as there are for hating, condemning and burning Bob Geldof. The popularity of the song probably primarily derives from the universal truth of not liking Mondays, rather than the lionizing of teenage angst (song not included for... is this getting boring yet?). So, presumably, a song about not liking (or indeed loathing) rude, self-aggrandizing, machiavellian bastards would be equally (if not more) successful. I especially appreciate the way Bob has, in his other chart-topping opportunist musical interpretation of human suffering, since attempted to write Midge Ure out of history like the conceited friend of prominent historian David Irving that some people wrongly assume he is.

I know Will Young murdered it, but ever since I carefully (and with some difficulty) programmed Light My Fire into my pre-MP3 mobile phone, and revelled in its awesome (and surprisingly accurate) ringtone homage at every call, I have been honoured to call it my friend. It's epic like Spartacus, as electronically dazzling as the first time you saw a Casio wristwatch/calculator, as intense as a mouthful of fizz-wizz, and as contemplative as been stoned out of your eyes on your student porch in a very run-down and borderline dangerous area on a hot sunny Tuesday afternoon. Then, after all the madness and instrumentalism has flowed for many minutes, washing over you like massive seaweed rich waves on a sandy beach, the defining tune comes back and cleans your palate with euphoria (like a thin sliver of ginger at a lengthy, psychadelic, sushi buffet). Love it.

Joy Division are one of two decent bands to come out of Manchester, possibly one of two decent things entirely. The song is over-used but still maintains kudos as an incomprehensible, nonsense-classic.

Miss Sarajevo brings some much-needed opera to the metaphorical table and it's got Pavarotti in it. He was a legend.

We're down to the TOP 10! Weep tears of joy now...

Actually don't. Wait patiently. But feel free to experience mild excitement through anticipation.